


twist my arm til i make a sound

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Marauders' Era, Minor Violence, Pre-Slash, The Prank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 05:29:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8359096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: it’s a deathwish for both you and him. you’re simply proving his words true with your actions; look at you, a disgrace to both your family and your best friends.





	

you’re a boy known for always being too quick in your anger.

it’s a frequent scene, snape throwing half-arsed insults at you. he calls you a fucking disgrace, nothing you don’t already know. you don’t even register half of his words, but it seems pretty rich, coming from someone like _snivellus_. you just want to shut him up. there is the familiar fury roaring inside you, louder than usual. it wants you to leave him hurting with something worse than a bloody nose.

you find yourself daring snape to meet you at the shack on a full moon. it’s wrong, sharing a secret with the enemy, but your foggy head is cheering you on and telling you it’s a fine idea, yes, let’s scare the arsehole.

it’s a deathwish for both you and him. you’re simply proving his words true with your actions; look at you, a disgrace to both your family and your best friends.

-

remus looks sick. sicker than usual. regret comes in like a flood, nearly sweeping you off your feet. you’re halfway across the room when peter pulls the curtain closed. there is a hand on your chest, pushing you back.

“mate, he doesn’t want to see you,” james says. there is a mix of resentment and disappointment behind his words, but his face is blank.

your voice falters. “prongs, i didn’t mean to -”

“that doesn’t change anything,” james says. he sighs as he puts his hand down. “what kind of a friend are you?”

you stay quiet and look down. there is a part of you that wants to cry, but you hold the tears in, repeating your mother’s words in your head. _boys don’t cry, boys don’t cry._

“just... piss off, would you?”

you feel sick as you leave your friends behind.

-

pomfrey releases remus by dinnertime and he comes to find you. he is scanning the common room, with a composed look on his face. the cool look cracks as his eyes land on you, turns into pure rage. you manage to stand up before there is a fist colliding with your jaw, sending you back down. you groan in pain and press a palm against your face.

“how fucking could you?” he shouts. there is a small audience around you, but he doesn’t seem to care.

you look up at him, your eyes wide and your heart beating fast. he has never been this furious, not at you. you can’t get a word out even though all you want to do is tell him how sorry you are.

“you dickhead, what the fuck were you thinking? i could’ve -” remus stops himself and takes a deep breath. you think about the rest of his sentence and the guilt drills a hole in your stomach. remus lowers his voice to a whisper. “he could be dead. where would that put me?”

the words are another punch, one that leaves you gasping for air. remus looks like he might actually hit you again and you almost wish that he would, but he just presses his lips together, turns around and marches up the stairs to the dormitory.

you would have him beat you to pulp if that made it all okay. peter shoots you a frustrated look before following remus up. james stays behind and stares at you for a few long seconds. the anger is visible on his face and it feels like a nightmare, all the things most important to you crumbling to pieces in the span of a few minutes. the silence is interrupted by a low whistle from one of the students and james turns away. you have to hold yourself back from punching a wall and breaking your knuckles to match your heart.

-

what follows is months of silence and remus looking the other way. eventually you stop begging but the tightness doesn’t leave your chest. you settle for keeping your mouth shut in the dining hall and staring at the red curtains surrounding remus’s bed. the guilt is eating you alive, you let it happen.

-

it’s summer. you fight with your family - it’s a given. there is a noticeable lack in letters from remus and it hurts, but you try to keep your mind off it. you write plenty and hide the letters you’ll never send under your mattress, all different takes on apologising. peter and james don’t mention remus in their letters. you don’t dare to ask.

three weeks into the holiday, you pack a bag after having had enough of the screaming matches and the constant criticism. your mother screams, “if you leave, you are no longer part of this family,” and it’s a dream come true, an easy exit. you almost thank her on your way out.

you spend the money in your pockets on a few packs of cigarettes and a place to stay. it’s enough for only a few days. the thought of becoming a literal stray dog makes you laugh, but you soon learn that the streets of london are not kind.

you find yourself at james’s door, somehow. he takes one look at you, opens the door wide to let you in and runs you a bath. you cry into his shoulder and mumble your apologies as he whispers reassuring words into your ear.

-

it’s another week of moping in an unfamiliar house that still feels more like home than yours ever did. james looks concerned, his parents do too. you can’t shake the guilt and wish you could say that nothing is wrong, but it’s a lie, you’re done telling lies. you sleep the days and lie awake the nights, even with james breathing calmly next to you.

there is a tentative knock on the bedroom door before it flies open and it’s remus, his green eyes fixed on you for the first time in months. you’re frozen in place and the tears are burning at your eyes again. he steps forward and puts his arms around you. the contact sends your heart to the verge of exploding; he is there, he is _real_. you clutch the fabric of his loose shirt in your hands like you’re never letting go.

“i’m so sorry, moony, i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry.”

there is a wet spot in the curve of his neck from your tears. he doesn’t say a word.

-

you are sitting on the roof by james’s window with remus. you’re both smoking your fags; it’s an olive branch of sorts, the risk of lung cancer as a peace offering, great. you keep your eyes on the garden below, he keeps his eyes on you. it’s late and it’s dark and it’s quiet.

“i wanted to write to you,” remus says. “i didn’t know what to say.”

you look up. it’s the first real thing he has said to you since arriving three days ago. ‘pass the milk’ at breakfast doesn’t count. you think about the unsent letters under your mattress.

remus blows out smoke from the corner of his mouth. you want to cover his face with kisses - that’s a new discovery - but instead you say, “i’m sorry.”

he drops his gaze and presses his fingertips on the back of your hand. you turn your hand over and let him intertwine his fingers with yours; and there your heart goes again, beating quick like a rabbit’s. you’re watching his face closely, the heavy-lidded eyes and the shy smile on his lips.

“do you forgive me?” you ask. remus takes another drag and squeezes your hand before looking up.

he nods and says, “of course.”

**Author's Note:**

> yooo this is the first thing i've published in years!!! not to sound like desperate or anything but leave a comment or kudos or w/e and i will love u forever 
> 
> the title is from mis by alex g, it's a good song go give it a listen


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